• Dempris Gasque

To Take My Life

I don’t think I’ll ever forget the time I tried to take my life. The amount of pain I felt. Every. Single. Day. Getting out of bed took effort, getting dressed caused anxiety, and going to school caused so much stress. It still baffles people how people do not understand how the weight of words, both said and unsaid, have such an impact on an adolescent. I remember a poetic exemplification that stressed how words are like a tube of toothpaste, you cannot take them back. So, I say with the same boldness that the insults had, I’m glad I’m still here and that you, reading this, are too.

I lost count of how many times I broke down crying because I HATED my dark skin tone, my big lips, my nose, even my height. You see it was like my mind living in a funhouse mirror. No matter what positive things others said or the complements some elders gave, it was always easier to hear the negativity. My afflictions being the same reason I am preparing to launch a luxurious mental wellness brand of handmade products, I will still weep, but this time with joy having truly realized that trouble doesn’t last always. I came to realize that had I died on that day in summer camp, if I would have truly jumped from that building, I’d be paralyzed, but I wouldn’t have died. I felt paralyzed prior to, crippled by fear, feelings of neglect, and self-hate, but ironically enough in that moment, I realized my ability to move.

To move out of my own way, out of desolate situations, harmful relationships, toxicity, and abuse, but I was my own abuser. If it wasn’t thoughts of self-harm, it was thoughts of harming those who hurt me. HURT PEOPLE HURT PEOPLE. But now healed, safe, and stable after almost a decade of trial and error, a bruised ego, lack of faith in people and my creator, I can finally say I love and admire all six feet of this being that God created.

Why am I sharing in what seems to be just random thoughts? Because you reading this are not the only one who has even felt less than, ugly, unworthy, or unsafe. Im not here to give some speech about how God will fix everything, tell you that some miraculous encounter with a healer will “fix you”, as matter of fat, you need to be careful with who you allow in your space while you’re wounded, because some will doctor you, but most will deter you because you have misinterpreted your worth and decreased your own value. In times of war people-built walls and bridges to keep enemies out, in our culture we invite everybody and everything in, hoping to find our saving grace. You cannot eat from a kitchen you haven’t seen, but you can be fed by someone whose purity you haven’t felt? BEEN THERE. DONE THAT.

I’m not here to judge you, I’m just sharing, that will unlikely work in the end. In the job industry, we compete, in our daily lives, we feel threatened by others, on holiday we compare ourselves to the gifts we receive, why can’t you tap into your gift and realize you are one!?! You may not be wrapped in a bow, but you are of the most complex species. You are human! Prone to mistakes and accidents, but likely to get up, evolve, and grow into something stronger. Check your history book! We were scientists, pioneers, doctors, lawyers etc. and although somebody had to be the first, we are able to make sure they are not the last! Seeing the productive things others have done, reminds us that we can do it ourselves and that includes learning to do better so that we may be better. I was ashamed for a long time about so many decisions I made, replaying that suicide attempt over-and-over in my head, but I had to remember that I survived it. That I could either repeat the cycle or break it. I couldn’t change what others said, but I could change what I allowed and how I responded. So, although years ago, I tried to take my life, for even that lesson I am thankful, because it made me realize that now I must take my life back!

Peace and blessings,

Dempris Gasque

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